online-dating tips,

courtesy of the Onion:

-Remember, online dating is not for everyone—only the desperate and pathetic.

-Dates like to know that they're appreciated. Go the extra mile and send that special someone an e-card or virtual flowers.

-For best results, try whichever dating service happens to be advertised to the right or left of this chart.

-If you decide to break up with your online mate, for God's sake, have the decency to do it over the phone.

-If you're a man who prefers younger women, but you only seem to get responses from older women, take heart: Older women can give birth to younger women.