After months of flat-footed media coverage, Salon offers us the manically pirouetting Cintra Wilson. I was a fan by the end of paragraph no.1.
March 1, 2004 | Squarer than robot shit. All the joy and irreverence of a hotel management seminar. Strictly by the book, and the book was the New Zealand census, apparently, and less interesting. …Not even the clothes were interesting, apart from Uma Thurman, who wore a Fabergé baked potato.Meanwhile, E! online aims for Wilson's whip-it hilarity but comes across only as drug-addled: alternately slow and fucking crazy. On Marcia Gay Harden:
Marcia Gay Harden channels Liz Taylor, the Fried Chicken Years. She loses out in a bright blue maternity gown with a portrait neckline, H. Stern diamond ribbon chandelier earrings and an enormous braided beehive that looks eerily like a buzzard's nest. Hey, did that thing just move? Back away. These beaked babies can be fierce when startled.Fried chicken, maternity dress, baby buzzards. That last item, "beaked babies," is too much a right-brain conflation of the first two for my 9 am sobriety.
Meanwhile, at TV Barn, a new Oscar race is brewing: for categories like "Outstanding performance in an Academy Award broadcast commercial" and "Best use of an acceptance speech."
And Bunsen, in what may be the best recap yet, vows to steer clear of "snarkiness, negativity, and schadenfraude." For an example of what he means, here's his comments on Elijah Wood:
Elijah Wood has piercing blue eyes, and is industrious enough to have invented an entirely new accent based on Elvish, Hobbit, and Malibu Cabana Boy in honor of The Lord of the Rings's multiple nominations. Kudos to Elijah!And, on Diane Keaton: "wonderful as a more-than-passable drug-addled, queer take on the Charlie Chaplin iconography." On Joan Rivers: "Amazingly, a two square-inch patch on the back of Joan Rivers' left knee has escaped the scalpel of her cosmetic surgeon. The very definition of courageous." On the death montage: "The annual 'recently deceased' montage offered a moment of much-appreciated levity as rare, self-shot documentary footage of Leni Riefenstahl cavorting with her fave poodle, Mengele, broke up the morbid procession of clips…"
And, finally, an excerpt from Grambo's comprehensive recap: "11:53 — i hereby issue an official boycott of every single PepsiCo product until they remove Jason Biggs from their commercials. yes, even you Aquafina. y'all be effed."
Posted by nchicha at March 2, 2004 09:03 AM