The results are in for this year’s Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which famously solicits bad opening lines to imaginary novels.

Over the years, I’ve noticed a consistent formula employed by the contest winners: begin with a relatively conventional premise, and, via careless metaphors and subsequent reflection on those metaphors, diverge from the initial premise into uncharted, pointless and pedestrian, territory.

For example, this year’s winner, penned by former National Spelling Bee contestant Dave Zobel:

She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight … summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp’s tail … though the term “love affair” now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism … not unlike “sand vein,” which is after all an intestine, not a vein … and that tarry substance inside certainly isn’t sand … and that brought her back to Ramon.

Personally, I prefer the genre winners:

Winner: Adventure Category

The legend about Padre Castillo’s gold being buried deep in the Blackwolf Hills had lain untold for centuries and will continue to do so for this story is not about hidden treasure, nor is it set in any mountainous terrain whatsoever.

Winner: Children’s Literature

Jack planted the magic beans and in one night a giant beanstalk grew all the way from the earth up to the clouds—which sounds like a lie, but it can be done with genetic engineering, and although a few people are against eating gene-engineered foods like those beans it’s a high-paying career to think about for when you grow up.

Winner: Detective

Detective Micky Blarke arrived on the scene at 2:14 am, and gave his cigarette such a severe pull that rookie Paul Simmons swore the insides of the detective’s cheeks touched, but the judge indicated that that amount of detail was not necessary in his testimony, and instructed the jury to disregard that statement.